To Sleep Perchance to Live

To have all the experiences that daily Waking Life restricts us from.

To travel to places we cannot afford and that the society will not allow us.

To love people we will never get the chance to love because they do not love us.

To rekindle friendships with friends long gone.

To have long-lasting meaningful conversations with The Dead.

To kindle friendships with the Unborn.

To sleep perchance to really live, and make life worth it.

It escapes the daily doldrums and sometimes it’s so much sweeter without the pain, without the discomfort or the embarrassment.

Perchance sleeping isn’t really sleeping at all.

For what is this Waking Life?

Wafting odors of trash that needs to be taken out, again. The pots and pans on the stove with leftover food in them rotting with more stink. The dishes that need to be washed.

The bug crawling across your chest.

The aching knees that remind you of things falling to pieces.

The Daily Grind of going to a workplace to barely afford your lifestyle no matter how much money they ever give you.

Twenty thousand, fifty thousand, 1 million, you’ll spend it all. You’ll need more. You’ll always run out! I promise.

What is daily life?

What is awake?

Is this awake?

Or is that awake?

To sleep is sometimes to be more awake than the zombies I see going about their daily lives.

They’re sleepwalking all day long.

Perchance to sleep may be better than perchance to wake. Dreams are a glory of which we are able to live through them.

You may never fly with those knees but you will soar in your dreams.

You may never love or be loved with what’s in the daily mirror, but you can have it all in Dream Land.

He’ll find you attractive there.

She’ll think you’re irresistible there.

You’ll never fall short in the sack while dreaming in your sack.

You get what you want, you experience pleasures and pain that you never would get the opportunity to otherwise.

You can soar and you can sink in dreams.

Perchance we’ll see you there when you’re done sleepwalking all damned day.

The Artist D, August 2018

The Artist D, August 2018

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I Have a Reservation

Never be afraid to live your life alone. I swear to you that this may be one of the meanings of life. We emerge from the primordial goo all stuck together as a ball of molecules. We shape into humans. Alone as alone can be in this cosmic thing.

As soon as we leave the womb we start to seek a connection back into the goo. We have not been aware of singularity and are frightened by it. Perhaps that’s what all the crying is about. I believe this is why we forever seek our “other halves” and want to be around tribes. We are nostalgic for the goo we emerged from.

I could be wrong. I’ve been wrong before.

But I live this life alone. I am surrounded by lovers, partners, friends, and yet I am still alone. Sometimes I think it’s for the best because there are enough people in my head, any more people would be a crowd.

This is why I don’t hesitate to say, “Table for one, please.” At the fanciest restaurants around. The kind where the waiter tries not to look at you “like that” as he shuffles you to the small group of tables “for one.”

The overheard conversations of others keep my attention and I am not required to interact with them. That is an added bonus. I get dinner and a show all thanks to the theater of the living.

Sometimes I will glance over at the empty chair across from me and get that human twinge of self pity. How nice would it be if a friend was here with me? It would be nice, but it wasn’t meant to be at this time and in this place. Maybe a friend will join me next time.

Besides, if I was here holding court and entertaining a friend, I never would have got to listen to the lady at the next table seriously discussing aliens being trapped in volcanoes. Did you know that when the volcano erupted the bits and pieces of alien bodies blew everywhere? And since they had nowhere to go they absorbed into the humans all around them. Which is why, I assume, she thinks we are all made up of extraterrestrials.

The only down side to listening to other people’s conversations is the usual social restriction of not being able to plunk myself down at their table and say, “Please, do tell me more!” Although in some cases this would be perfectly alright.

Don’t hold back from going it alone. Make the reservation, treat yourself solo. Take you and all of your imaginary friends out to dinner sometime. This may be the only time our souls, spirits, and molecules are alone together. Take advantage of that, do not wallow in it as if it were a prison sentence.

Be bold alone as you would be with others. We’ll all be together again soon in a big dump of gooey ooze anyway. Where, if I am correct about any of this, we will never be able to reserve that table for one again.

The Artist D

The Artist D, June 2018

The Damnable Hum

And I hear the sounds of silence. That which is not silent at all. The rustle of the trees, dry and crisp in true Summer. The birds and creatures making little noises. But no hum. No damnable city-like hum. Only the sound of the truth.

I’ve been driving for a little under five hours and it feels like I just left. All I can figure is that this is the sign of unwinding a very tightly coiled self. I listen to books, podcasts, and music as I go. And it really helps shake me back to who I really am. Or at least who I presume myself to be.

This time it feels like I could do with five more hours before arrival. Five more hours of podcasts and books. That’s how much coil is left within to be shaken. Either that or I’ve finally acclimated to traveling far distances, again. I had ceased distant travel many years ago and eventually became impatient with it.

It is hot, but delightfully so. I have missed this so much. This time it may take me four full days to fully explain. To rattle out the words onto the paper and into the typer.

I run into a lot of people here who have very strange conversations with me. They’re small town people and I think they can sense that I am just a little off. I’m not a tourist, but I don’t live here. They ask me if I’m from here. They ask if I live around here. I tell them every time, “No, do I look familiar?” And they say, “Nah.” Then I ask why they would ask in the first place and they add, “It’s nothin’.”

It is nothing. It’s the void that I have which most people don’t. It’s that I am so very much and I have depth, yet I’m hardly a functioning human. At least, I don’t function like most of the humans. I’m some strange observer from a distant land. It’s that extraterrestrial within me that shines to the people out here.

People stop me and have conversations about their slipped disks or their desire to be transgender. This is not with any previous introductions as to who I may be! They simply open up. I think they just know. I’m not like all the others and I’ll understand, “for some reason.”

The wind rustles through this bushy field. There are leafy trees, burnt trees, and those magical looking stocks with fuzzy things on the ends. They sway and they glisten in the sunshine like a slow motion dream. A bird with a super bright yellow belly is sitting on a twig staring at me. We may know each other from another time and place too.

I sit here like I am in a dream. My happy place. My landscape.

I was talking to my psychic this morning and she asked me what my landscape was. What geography do I connect with? I love the way that she put that. I connect with many geographies and this is one of them. The flat dry Wild West. The rolling red mountains sprouting up among all of these slow motion weeds. The empty horizon. The empty towns. The lack of people and the lack of that damned hum.

I also connect with the ocean. Raging and wet as it beats against the land, sanding it down slowly throughout forever after forever. I love the ocean. It’s safe out there. At least as safe as floating in space with no man or woman to burn horrors into your spirit.

I come here like I go there. I escape the humming city walls and go off to these places where I cannot, for some unknown reason to me, live permanently. The universe keeps me locked up in that damned city. But I come here or there or somewhere just like I drift off into another dream. In my mind I float to magical lands. In my meat suitcase I venture to them.

The Artist D

The Artist D, June 2018

 

Originally posted at Fourculture.com, August 22, 2017

Quentin Crisp and I in a Bunker

Last night I had a dream I was sharing an underground bunker with Quentin Crisp and a war was raging above us by two female armies.

One faction was a Nazi-like army of women and the other was an Amazonian type. We were in the underground bunker which was actually an underground stage floor of a dance club.

We decided there was nothing else better to do than sit around and watch the armies above. “The art of being,” Quentin chided.

I realized that I should take selfies with Quentin Crisp because in this dream I knew he was already dead. Since he was here with me and currently alive we took advantage of the situation. I took photos with my old digital camera from the nineties, a very small silver Nikon.

Eventually Michael Musto from The Village Voice showed up and then he took our picture too!

Later as the war waged on above us the shots began to fire through the windows. The bunker slowly morphed into more like a basement type of building, so there were suddenly windows up high near the ceiling. Sometimes bullets came flying through the walls at us.

Sooner than later I had to go up above ground to get some supplies. I remember climbing this long gritty stairway to a rusty basement door that swung open onto the surface. Amanda Lepore was there to greet me. She was dressed glamorously as she always is. I got the supplies and then took Amanda down into the club so we could all could take selfies with Mr. Crisp.

Quentin, Amanda, and I all understood this was a unique situation due to the dream space that suddenly had been provided. We knew we had to take advantage of this unique opportunity together.

The female armies were quickly closing in and the bullets were starting to nick our shoulders, arms, and legs. There was beginning to be nowhere to hide. Everyone in the bunker was now injured and bleeding. We knew that before long the underground would be dead.

All at the same time we looked at each other and realized the metaphor right before I woke up.

The Artist D

The Artist D, July 2018

Pulling Mother Earth’s Hair

I stayed in bed for hours pondering all of the things we ponder. None of it seems to get any clearer. Not with age or experience. It doesn’t clear up with sobriety. I can’t say that meditation does the trick. It certainly all does something, but it hasn’t done much else.

If there is one thing to be learned by any semblance of longevity it is that this has happened before and this will all happen again.

I look back into my archives of all the friends I have had. I look closely at the encounters we shared. I take the closest look at the photos of people now dead. I read their letters. To look into those eyes and remember the exchange while knowing how they ended it. To know you’ve surpassed a person’s time on Earth is like winning a very confusing race. I’m not sure if it’s actually winning, because I don’t know where they’ve gone.

Why do we do so many of the things that we do? More so, why do we spend so much time on all of this when we appear to know there’s so much better time to be spent on that. I don’t want to work on nothing. I want to work on something. I have a lot of something.

But then why do some stay up all night playing video games? Why do others spend the entire Holiday Weekend scrolling Facebook? What is with all of the “moral panic and outrage” when it accumulates to nothing more than exercises in irrelevancy? We all end up angling our lives in such bizarre directions. We seem to waste all the time we swear against ever wasting. We keep tumbling around a lifelong hamster wheel and we never seem to get it right.

I can’t tell you how many Sunday mornings I have lost to the temptation of sleep. I love sleep. I love dreams. Dreams are so delightful. As my body aches to awaken early and take brisk walks in the Summer dawn. I yearn to wake up “on time” but my body and brain have far more dreamy plans. They’d prefer to stay in the dark room and have another exciting adventurous dream.

My body and brain know all too well what awaits on the outside is nowhere near as exciting as what is to be conjured from the inside.

We keep doing it. I keep doing it. I keep plodding along looking for the path. A continuous debate regarding forks in roads. I think I know it. You seem to think you know it. There’s a reason for it. Somewhere there is a reason waiting impatiently to be unveiled.

The Artist D, May 2018

The Artist D, May 2018

Coyote Wanderlust

It’s 9 pm and no one has Liked my recent photo for the last hour.

I’ve been checking.

I’m reading a book about coyotes and I keep checking my phone between each chapter.

I didn’t know the book was about coyotes until I bought it. Now I read it uninterested yet oddly enthralled.

Some dumb author I found to be brilliant had recommended this coyote book to me. I guess he’s not that brilliant after all.

I keep reading this book. Like a badly cooked meal you’re too hungry to throw out.

This is the future. This is our 21st century.

I can’t get through a chapter or an act without checking. Feed me the Like. Like good drugs gone bad. Like drugs. The drugs of Like.

It could be worse. I’m not mainlining something that could kill me. Or am I? Likes are deadly substances.

Don’t snort too many Likes or you could OD. I learned that back in 2002.

They ruin our mental state. They take away from reading books and watching plays. About coyotes.

Back with the coyotes I go.

It turns out we’re all rummaging through the trash looking for things we Like. In cities we have no business being lost inside of.

The Artist D, May 2018

The Artist D, May 2018

Death of Passivity

I have always loved the ocean because it speaks to life. The ocean is a visual representation of life as I see it. I’ve often described the need to flow with the cosmic waves. If you become too stuck, too solidly stubborn against the waves, you will suffer more friction and destruction than if you were to just “go with the flow.” Much like how with struggle it becomes much easier to drown.

We creatures float through the galaxy like objects in the sea. All of the swirling, floating, and interweaving is critical for it to make a masterpiece. It’s a chaotic dancing stew, yet it all seems to work out for the best. The tide comes in and washes over the rocks to clear off some creatures while feeding others. If you happen to be one of these clam-like creatures you actually depend on it. You don’t really swim. You float, you’re buried, you’re uncovered, you live. It’s the Art of Being. Clams need not do anything other than be themselves while their environment carries them to live the life that they happen to live.

I think you will be taken care of whether you decide to swim or float in this universe. There is a place for both. However, we should not hold ourselves back when it comes time to paddle our feet to get us to the next place.

For most of my life I have often held myself back from swimming. I opted instead to float. I’ve let the waves of the universe carry me to some pretty great places. With that in mind I have always hesitated to start swimming in another direction.

I have feared changing course in life just about as much as I would fear changing course in the literal ocean. I am afraid to start purposefully swimming towards better land only to end up in one of those tidal wave storms which puts you farther away. Then you’re clinging to a plank, pissed off, and dying of hypothermia.

There’s also a big difference between swimming and flailing your arms violently until the ocean of our universe pulls you under into death. I see a lot of people confuse the two of these all of the time, literally and figuratively. Especially figuratively! There is an incredible amount of people out there struggling violently against the waves, gasping for air, and they have no idea. They’d tell you that they’re swimming. I’d tell them that they’re sinking.

If you float when you could swim you are being passive, possibly too passive. I am guilty of being passive at times when I should have been ravenously paddling. I’ve let people in my life just because they happen to have come into it. I’ve let a lot of things happen to me just because they were happening. It’s the pile of drugs you take just because they happen to be on the coffee table. It’s the sex you have just because the person happens to be all over you. It’s the job you take just because they hired you. It’s the first husband or wife you marry because they were the first one to put up with your cranky ass.

For far too long I was under the impression that this was the way it worked. In a lot of ways that can work, but it will not always be the way and you should not always accept it as such.

There is nothing wrong with making decisions. There is nothing wrong with saying “no” when you don’t want something. The same goes for if you want to say “yes” to something. There’s actually nothing wrong with asking for what you want! This is simple and obvious, yet completely unbelievable to a lot of people.

I was one of those people. That personality is still buried within me. If the opportunity came along then we might as well do it. If the opportunity did not come along then let’s forget about it. There wasn’t much push to obtain the opportunity. There wasn’t a lot of swimming against the current.

I deceptively resembled a person who took chances because I did take chances – passively. I blindly threw myself off of a lot of cliffs and hoped for the best. That’s where my faith in the flow of the universe stems from. That’s where I got terribly confused about being a drifter, never decidedly swimming to the desired opportunity.

This is why I had absolutely no understanding of college students. To put yourself in an eight year program with a belief that you are actually going to get to the end is as likely as swimming a straight line in a hurricane. Do you know how much can change in eight years? Do you know how much you probably will never want to do in eight years what you are doing today? I could not fathom the desire to do anything of the sort. For me, a one year plan was quite enough because I knew that at the end of that plan I’d be ready for a completely different map.

The only thing that has changed my mind about long term planning is finally capturing some realization about the hurricane in between. If we are open to changes of course during our plans then it makes sense. It turns out that most people understood this. I was far too black and white to see it until now.

The dawning realization has been that it’s OK to make hard choices. It’s OK to decline an invitation or disagree with an associate. We learn this even more when we are placed in management of others or owning a business. That can be learned from the corporate world or from managing an underground art magazine. Are you ready to have difficult conversations with people you may not like? Are you going to cope with the disagreement when your word is the final word? Are you OK with pointing out things that someone else may have absolutely no clue about? Would you be willing to fire someone for their shitty behaviors?

We do not always need to float. We are not all clams. We are allowed to decide on a course of action which may not be easy, but doable, if we have working arms, legs, or a giant propeller for a nose. The balancing act is to learn when to stop driving your boat into the Tsunami. The secret is to know the difference between swimming and flailing.

The Artist D, Autumn 2017

The Artist D, Autumn 2017, Beating a Metaphor to Death since circa 1997

Ancient Thoughts on Net Neutrality from an Original Internet Superstar

Preface  I know exactly what Net Neutrality is and the danger of living without it. I understand the difference between websites and ISPs. This article is a bitter old Net Queen’s unabashed ranting for people to get off of her lawn.

The overall reaction to the repealing of Net Neutrality has left me in confusion. People act as if it is the end of the Internet that they know today. They are posting memes on Facebook with the ridiculous spin of, “It’s been nice knowing you!”

The mass populace probably has nothing to worry about because they are already the almighty consumers of corporate crap. They’ve been eating what the mass media has been feeding them since 2004. That’s roughly the year I recall where the true Internet underground fell off the map and was replaced with a steaming pile of dog shit. It’s been down hill ever since and a look back in my blog can remind us that I’ve been saying so all of the way.

With the repealing of Net Neutrality ISP’s will be able to further control what you see. As if you’ve had a problem with that lately since all you have been looking at was Facebook, Tumblr, and Gmail. Without Net Neutrality you may have to pay to watch Netflix or Amazon Prime, kind of like we already do. To your astonishment now that Net Neutrality is possibly gone you may find some websites blocked from your view! Just like Facebook blocks you from seeing most of my posts linking you to my website or Internet live streams. Unless I pay Facebook, that is. Just like a country blocks you from content if you have a specific IP address outside of that country. Unless you pay for a VPN tunnel. Hmm, yes, it’s going to be so unfair, just like it already is.

The people it will hurt are people you haven’t cared about for years! You’ve already enabled the corporations to steamroll over the content creators and independent underground artists by allowing the Internet to become what it already is before, during, and after Net Neutrality. YouTube single-handedly put beautifully articulate content creators in a bind in favor of monetizing vanilla bullshit. Oh, but, without Net Neutrality it will allow the ISP’s to be unfair! As unfair as the corporations owning the websites already have been. It’s just another level of unfair frosting to the unfair cake.

It’s all just crushing the little guy a little bit more than we already were. But you didn’t care about him or her or them anyway! The Fourculture Magazines of the world are just going to be a little more strangulated. The underground zines and that unpopular YouTube shows will still be just as neglected, demonetized, and regulated to the corners. You have nothing to worry about because there will still be Netflix, Amazon, Facebook, and probably even Tumblr porn. You have nothing to worry about, almighty consumer, because for the Internet to exist at a profit they must continue to provide you with the bullshit you already consume! They are probably not plotting to take away your Netflix. They’re plotting to take away your indie underground artist whom may dare to turn a buck without giving a cut to The Man.

They’ve been erasing people like me from the day they found out the Internet was a profit center. That was the day it all started to burn to the ground. And that was a long time ago.

I am asked if I am upset about the changes regarding Net Neutrality and I’ll tell you that I was upset before and after! It has nothing to do with Net Neutrality making things better or worse. It already was shit before they got started. It was shit when we, the content creators, were pushed into the margins and our hits were reduced to nothing as people began to flock to the corporate cannibals. It was shit when the gates were opened and a global population logged on to make the Internet just like everything else. And worse yet, to make it a part of society!

I already pay a premium for my personal outgoing Internet speeds. I already pay extra for faster web service to bring my content to you at a decent downloadable speed. I already have to pay Facebook if I want it to share my project links with all of the people who want to see them. This all in a world of Net Neutrality! What’s so neutral about it as it currently is? Even my YouTube videos get demonetized and hidden away in favor of the corporate content, right now in a world with Net Neutrality.

Without Net Neutrality the ISP will be able to limit your access to websites. Websites that are already limiting your access to the content upon them. That sounds like another level of bullshit to me.

All I’m hearing are a lot of people complaining that they might have to pay more for their entertainment. Well, they never paid me much for mine, so I’m not particularly dismayed that they’re now screwed by The Man. You welcomed The Man into this box and you let him survive. You could have left him behind in the terrestrial world with antennae and television tubes, but you brought him into the Internet. You let him load us up with shows and incorporate all of his records and paper pileup into our circuits. You let him destroy the organic artistic freedom that once was and now you’re upset that he’s charging admission. Potentially a steep admission!

It seems there is a fear that with the repealing of Net Neutrality we may lose some people from the Internet. But if you ask old Internet Superstars like me, well, we’ve been waiting for the mass populace to get the fuck off of the Internet since 2004. It’s been a shithole since and it’ll be a shithole with or without the Neutrality. You’ve got nothing to worry about Almighty Consumer, because they need your money. They don’t need my art.

It’s funny how much you realize you can live without something once you’ve had everything that it can offer. At times like these people like me are aching to get back to our flip phones and 5 AM newspaper deliveries. I would not have ever wanted to live my life without the Internet, but now that it has become all that it is, I think I could do without it.

The Artist D, December 2017

The Artist D, December 2017

Chris the Robot

Hi, my name is Chris. I’m a licensed massage therapist living in the metro area. I like food, cats, gaming, and healthy relationships.

Hello Chris, do you know you’re a cylon? You’re a carbon copy of a carbon copy. You’ve been placed on this Earth as a place holder, a space filler. I’ve met 20 other Chris in 20 other cities across the nation.

Welcome Chris, with you’re dead-eyed Instagram photos and your laze-fare Facebook posts. Your walks in the park and calmly concise candlelight suppers where neither party reveals anything true. Not that either has anything true to reveal. Because you’re Chris and probably Joel. Joel is your date. He also is a cylon.

You’ll go home tonight, Chris and Joel, and you’ll fuck. You’ll fuck boringly and shoot your plain vanilla cylon juices. You’ll feel scandalous for a moment and then Joel will break up with you in the morning.

That’s OK because you’re meeting Ben at the coffee shop where he’ll buy you a triple shot extra large something-something while he listens to how boring Joel was. From your boring mouth. Your boring mind. Your dead eyes will look up into the sky as you and Ben take a selfie for another boring dead-eyed Instagram post. Ben doesn’t care because he thinks you’re besties. You share so much of nothing with Ben that he’s drowning in artificial substance.

How could you be besties if you aren’t real? How can you be Joel’s lover if you are only programmed phrases and functions? Flaunting the programming embedded from the media, the religion, and the back of your daddy’s hand. Are robots in love truly in love at all? The robots seem to think so.

A carbon copy of a carbon copy. I could scrape your surface and find more surface, Chris. You don’t know. You’ll never know. If you met a person like me you wouldn’t believe I was a person. I would blow your fuses and put you in an institution. We’d peel back the plastic layers of skin to find metallic sputtering and you still wouldn’t believe me. Because you’re a robot. Sparks would fly. Chris the robot with cliche programming and vanilla juices.

What has happened now will happen again. With you. With the thousand of other Chris replicas around the globe. There goes Chris the rebel. Chris dancing to his own beat. Beating what he thinks is his own drum and dancing his own dance track. That drum of someone else’s design. The dance track already laid in and playing before Chris was even switched on. Chris, your dead eyes and extra large throbbing latte. You’re taking a walk now. You’re on the beach and you’re thinking about cats and computer games. You’re dreaming of healthy relationships. Listen to all of those clicks and whistles! You’re a cylon. You’re Chris the Robot.

The Artist D, October 2017The Artist D, September 2017

The Artist D, September 2017

Dream Dust

Written in hypnagogia.

Transcribed by phone.

To sleep perchance to live.

To have all the experiences that daily Waking Life restricts us from.

To travel to places we cannot afford and that the society will not let us.

To love people we will never get the chance to love because they do not love us.

To hate them with lawless passion.

To rekindle friendships with friends long gone.

To have long-lasting meaningful conversations with the Dead.

To kindle friendships with the Unborn.

To sleep perchance to really live, and make life worth living.

It escapes the daily doldrums and sometimes it’s so much sweeter without the pain, without the discomfort or the embarrassment.

Perchance sleeping isn’t really sleeping at all.

For what is this Waking Life?

Stinking odors from the trash that needs to be taken out, again. The pots and pans on the stove with leftover food in them rotting with more stink. The dishes now need to be washed.

The bug crawling across your chest.

The aching knees that remind you of things falling to pieces.

The Daily Grind of going to a workplace to barely afford your lifestyle no matter how much money they ever give you.

Twenty thousand, fifty thousand, one million, you’ll spend it all. You’ll spend it on everything! You’ll need more. You’ll always run out!

What is daily life?
What is awake?
Is this awake?
Or is that awake?

To sleep is sometimes to be more awake than the zombies I see going about their daily lives.

They’re sleepwalking all day long.

Perchance to sleep may be better than perchance to wake. Dreams are a glory of which we are able to live through them.

You may never fly with those knees but you will soar in your dreams.

You may never love or be loved with what’s in the daily mirror, but you can have it all in Dream Land.

He’ll find you attractive there.
She’ll think you’re irresistible there.
You’ll never fall short in the sack while dreaming in the sack.

You get what you want, you experience pleasures and pain that you never would get the opportunity to otherwise.

You can soar and you can sink in the dreams.

Perchance we’ll see you there when you’re done sleepwalking all day.

Snapchat-2010829528

The Artist D, July 2017